Bullie: Characteristics of & How they think (part 2 of Series)

Children are all different and they are all born with different temperments:  passive or sometimes fearful; assertive or sometimes flexible; or aggressive or sometimes fiesty or fearless.  Aggressive temperments like personalities usually begin early in life but this does not mean the aggressive child will be a bully but it does mean the parents guidance and discipline as well as awareness in recognizing the aggressive tendencies are dealt with at an early age.  Although normal development in children does involve some hitting, fighting and arguiing, most children learn how to control their impulses especially if their parents are aware of their temperment and guides through acceptable ways of behaving.  Teaching a child how their words and actions affect others helps them to develop empathy for others.  They learn to care about others feelings when they act.  It is important for all parents to openly talk about bullying before it happens and teach their children what to look out for.  Remember anyone can be bullied and anyone can be bully. 

Characteristics of Bullies (kids or adults) ~ Things to look out for:

Bullies tend to lack remorse, guilt or a conscience.  Their ultimate goal is to seek power.  They do this by putting their victims into distress any way they possible can.  They are generally agressive but many may be so skilled in manipulation that it will not be apparent to anyone but the victim and they are never at a loss for words.  In fact bullying can be so harmful to the victim that it can be seen as a criminal act if teh bully is over the age of 12.  Bullies tend to exhibit behaviors that repeatedly hurt another person through words, actions or both.  Some examples of the three types of bullying that everyone should look out for are:

Physical (Action Oriented Bully)

• hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, pushing
• taking or damaging property or possessions
• hiding property or possessions

This is the easiest type of bullying to identify and if aggressive behavior is not dealt with at an early age may intensify as the child gets older leading to anger management problems.

Verbal (Words that hurt)

• Name-calling, or constant teasing
• racists comments or discriminatory remarks
• intimidation, harrassment, hurtful sarcasm and threats
• insults, constant criticism and correction
• epithets and derogatory remarks
• ridicules, shames and humiliates the victim
• The bully may yell, shout, and/or use verbal forms of discrimination to make their victim feel unease whenever possible.
• outright slander
• Belittles, criticizes, demeans and constantly puts the victim down using condescending language.

The victim cannot do anything right from the bullie's perspective because that would take away from the bullies power. The bully shows no respect for their victim what-so-ever.  There are no visible scars with this type of bullying but just like abuse, the emotional damage is devastating and easy for a bully to inflict.  Not so easy for the victim to prove. 

Non-Verbal (rational/emotional bully-covert abuse)

• talks behind another's back often spreading rumors, and gossip that makes the victim appear jaded.  These rumors may not have any credibility and often are used to cause harm to the victim giving the bully more power.
• Interupts the victim often when they are talking to another or working either at school, with friends or at work causing any type of irritation possible.
• convinces other to exclude or reject by manipulating relationships
• fabrication of lies to hurt their victim.
• isolates and sidelines their victims
• sabbotages and undermines the victim
•  ignore direction from their victim or in concern/relation to their victim 
•  often fails to respond to their victim giving them the silent treatment as if it is a well planned out game.
•  glares, and leers at their victim as if watching for any way to undermine them.
•  gives negative eye contact as well as negative vibes with their body language and facial features. 
• comtrols conscience through rationalizations.  The bully maintains his focus and effectiveness towards the goal and cannot worry about the questionable motives or negative impact on the victim.  It allows the bully to sleep at night and not feel any guilt for their inappropriate behaviors or harm to their victim.
• Center of their own universe and unable to see the situation in another perspective except their own which allows for further rationalization of their actions.
• lack control over impulses causing them to be self-absorbed and aggressive in a nonphysical way.
• feel they have a moral and ethical high ground to anyone else making their self-righteousness a constant force that causes harm to their victim.
• Obsessed with image and easily distorts the truth and sometimes even reality
• evasive avoiding teh truth whenever possible attacking the victim when confronted using lies and fabrications if necessary.
• often plays the victim so they can easily manipulate others into submitting to their desires.  This is very effective in an environment that emphasizes trust, respect, teamwork, and fair treatment of others. 
• distorst the truth and ofthe presents hearsay as facts
• exaggerates the impact of their victims actions
• hypocritical- a skilled bully will openly claim beliefs, feelings and virtues that they don't actually possess, so they can influence others without arousing suspicion of their true personality and intent.
• often exaggerates the impact of others actions on them, especially the chosen victims.
• repeatedly focuses on past actions that claim hurt them in order to manipulate the victim reminding them that at one time they caused them pain (real or not).
• deceitful behaviors that often reveal the bully to the victim but by then it is often too late to change the harm done.
• The bully often undermines the victims achievements, friendships, work and directions to maintain the power struggle.
• spread malicious rumors about their victim
• pretends to care but undermines you in front of others or gossips behind your back spreading rumors that are not credible
• outright slander

The rational, non-verbal bully is a master manipulator and lack total respect for others.  These type of bullies wish to achieve victory before anyone realizes or at least can prove that they have declared war on their victim.  Their covert methods take a heavy emotional toll on all those involved in their tricks but it is often the most capable who are most emotionally overwhelmed and harmed by their actions.  This is the most harmful type of bullying because it takes such a long time for you to realize why you feel so miserable since you are unaware of the cause.  The signs of bullying in this scenario are ofthen subtle, frustrating the victims attempts to make sense of an often frustrating and confusing situation.  When you are a victim and are being intentionally targeted by a bully who is savvy enough to disguise their intentions from others, it is in your best interest to get yourself as far away from the situation as possible to avoid continual mental abuse by the bully.  Unfortunately this type of bullying is very difficult to prove since the bully uses a variety of behaviors to gain power and control the situaion in hopes of somehow over powering or eliminating their victim.  It is often impossible for the victim to isolate incidents to explain the situation throoughly with a clear understanding with supportive data to those who are in a position to assist them.  That is why the convert bully who abuses their victims often walks away from the situation untarnished leaving their victim(s) to recover from the repetitive actions of their abuser, the rational/non-verbal bully.

It is also important for us to remember that bullies act the way they do for a variety of reasons.  It can be as simple as they're parents are bullies and their behaviors are learned  or it could be they were always aggressive but it was never dealt with.  However their are other reasons as well, the child being shy and awkward around others; feel different or inferior; experienced a recent crises; looking for attention; family problems; or they are continually picked on by another (parent, sibling, neighbor, etc.).  They may also be insecure and being a bully empowers them.  They want others to believe they are in control.  It's important we recognize, identify and deal with bullying at all stages of life because it can also mean the person is mentally ill, a psycopath. 

All bullies get excited by bullying behavior.  It gives them a feelling of power and control.  They lack compassion and empathy for others especially their victims.  They enjoy causing pain and are generally calm showing little to no emotion.  It is common for them to blame others.  They believe that innocent remarks and actions are meant to hurt them.  They are usually average students with low self-esteeem.  They tend to have a small network of friends and are successful at hiding their bullying behavior.  It excites them when their victims react and want to fight back.  It is more common for boys to use physical force, insults and threats, while girls rely on social alienation and intimidations.  As a bully ages they become more skilled and often become the covert abuser.