Taking Action~Dealing with Bullies

Reading the previous blogs you now know bullies have varying personalities and carefully chose the environments in which they perform their feat of being in control, and superior to those around them while rationalizing their behaviors towards their chosen victim(s).  If you are not the bullies victim, you may not notice anything abnormal about the bullies behaviors because they are never directed towards you and if the bully doesn't want you to see them as a bully, you won't because bullies are extremely clever manipulators.  But if you are the victim, what can you do?  Should you tell someone else?  Should you seek advise or help from others?  or Should you just run and hide?  The main question the victim asks themselves is how can I stop this, how can make it better? 

Remember some victims do not even realize they are victims until damage is done.  But they still ask the questions~ Why me?  What did I do?  Why can't everyone else see what this person is doing?  Why won't you help me?  Where can I go for help?  How can I stop this without causing anymore pain?  What caused this?   Unfortunately, many of those questions will never be answered especially if the bully is allowed by those who do not see what is going on to continue to dominate, control and play the game of manipulation.  But there are some things you can do for yourself and your children if you or your children ever are confronted by a bully. 

Here are some basic behaviors (defenses) that will enable you to deal with the bully~

• avoid one on one confrontation or discussions with the bully.
• try your BEST to ignore the bully and walk away
• talk to the bully~
• look the bully in the eye
• speak clearly
• use a firm voice
• tell them what you expect and why
• tell them what the consequences will be if they don't listen
• do not show any fear or anxiety (a bully feeds on this)
• tell the bully to leave you alone
• never show FEAR (bullies thrive on fear)
• report any incidences to a person of authority or adult or supervisor
• walk and work in pairs or groups whenever possible- limiting the bully's opportunity to torment you
• talk to others about the situation and get others involved to help
• react calmly and confidently to taunting

Parents can help their children deal with bullying by~

• talking about unacceptable behaviors and situations by truly listening calmly and thoughtfully to what your child has to say.  Do not promise to stay quiet about an unacceptable situation that may have caused your child harm or undue distress.  It is your job as a parent to step in at times and help your child deal with unruly situations that could get worse without notifying the school, authority or the other parent.  Beware of contacting the parent(s) of a bully  especially if you are not familiar or already friendly with the other parents.  Remember the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree".  Well children that bully learn these behaviors somewhere whether it's from parents, siblings, friends, relatives, media or as a survival skill to seek attention.  Beware of the family you are confronting!
• Parents can make learning how to deal with unacceptable behavior and situations fun at home before a child ever has to deal with it on their own.  Try role playing situations with appropriate reactions like teaching your child how to react to taunting or name calling.  DO NOT teach your child to use physical force or insults on the bully since it typically will only make the bully react more and gives the bully satisfaction knowing they were able to get a rise out of their victim.  Practice some of the above skills over and over again until you are sure your child can deal with most situations.  Use the same technique at home to teach stranger danger.
• Always encourage your child to build confidence in themselves with praise and positive reinforcement.  Teach them to think highly of themselves as they build a strong self-esteem and good character.  At the same time have them tell you the qualities they seek in friends.  Teach them how to look for the same good qualities in their friends.
• Get your child involved in activities that have appropriate adult supervision.  Children are less likely to bully in front of an adult unless it is a parent who themselves is a bully.  So, make sure the adult in charge has similar values as you because some parents are bullies too.  Parents beware!
• Take the time to help a shy child overcome their shyness. Remember a shy child is more vulnerable to bullying. 
• Help your child learn how to communicate using eye contact, tone and body language that sends the message they intend.  Anyone can tell someone to leave them alone but to get a bully to leave you alone, you must mean it.
• Remember give your child many opportunities to make friends, do things with their friends and belong to groups since common interests in children builds friendships and confidence in your child.  A confident child is less likely to be bullied but if they are  they are also more likely to be able to deal with it.

It's important for all of us to remember bullying is abusive behavior and can leave residual scares on it's victims.  It doesn't only occur in childhood but can continue into adult hood with coworkers or even abusive bosses.  If the bullying gets out of control and you cannot contain it for your child or yourself~ you cannot find help or anyone who will aide in stopping the abusive behavior of another, then please consider changing schools, or jobs because the emotional and mental trauma will continue until you do. 

Be wary of the manipulator at all times, you never know when they will turn on you! 

Bullying is ABUSE!